In loving memory of Garpy (December 29, 1982-August 10, 1991), born 31 years ago today

My dearest Garpy,

When you came into my life, you made my world bearable. I was devastated by a loss (Eenie). You lifted my heart.

How many times did I work at night, writing or trying to write, and you would stay awake, playing with a bone, because I was there?

How many times did you sleep on my chest, late at night?

You were the light in the darkness.

My baby Garpy, my Garpolito.

Happy birthday, "dear darling of my soul."

I love you, and always will.

Lovingly remembering my dearest Vixen (Sept. 1, 1998-Dec. 20, 2011), who left this world two years ago today

My dearest Vixen,

It's been two years since I lost you, two years since I let you go.

Life has been dark without you. There are good days, yes, but that sense of contentment is gone. There was purpose when you were there. There was that everyday joy, quiet and small, but filling to the heart.

I miss you every day, my Sensen, my baby. I wrote before that if I lose you, I would lose everything. In many ways, I was right. Life just hasn't been the same.

Of course, I smile. I remember the good times, having you around, hearing the way you "howled" or feeling you licking my feet as you passed. Seeing you walking around with a potato in your mouth. Seeing you across the living room, your head going up and down, your jaw snapping at nothing, as you just looked at me with excitement.

I miss you so much, my Hunhun, my baby. Were I a braver man I would have joined you in ashes long ago.

Maybe fate will be kind, finally, and we can again be together.

I love you, my dearest Vixen, and I will love you always. I carry you in my heart always. Not a day goes by when I do not think about you, of you. And the pain always comes.

There is a world between us. May fate be kind and bring us together again soon.

I love you, my baby. I love you.

Lovingly remembering my Baby Almond (Dec. 16, 1994-June 2, 2007), who was born 19 years ago today

My dearest Almond.
My Comebaby, my Mondy, my Alimondmond, my Alimondy.
Six years now I've been without you. In all those six years, I've wished you were here...or that I could be with you wherever you are, even in ashes.
You brought so much joy and comfort and consolation to my life.
Sometimes I smile when some memories come. The way you played with Boobie or watched him helplessly as he played with a piece of paper that you wanted.
How you were so happy to see me when I was away for days in 2000.
How you would jump from the stairs even when pregnant, or how you'd race to the door with Boobie and Vixen even though your belly was bulging with puppies.
How you'd demand that I take you on my lap as I watched TV so that you could sleep on me. How you'd just keep licking my leg.
Those were the days. Those were beautiful, wondrous days. After all, you were with me.
I love you, my baby, and I miss you.
I will love you always. Always.

Goodbyes

I've said goodbye many times.
The truth is I never have.

Lovingly remembering Greta, who left this world Nov. 7, 1998

You were never actually mine, but I loved you.
We had to let you go, as you had gone so frail.
You gave laughter to us as you howled at certain songs.
So beautiful.
Be at peace, my baby.
We love you always.

Lovingly remembering Five (Feb. 8, 1998-Sept. 30, 2012), who left this world a year ago today

My dearest Five,
It was a hard day, that day we let you go. But I knew, we knew, it had to be done. You were wasting away. Why let such a beautiful life go through such pain?
It was over. Still you held on. You were that strong.
You were the alpha of alphas, stronger than Boobie and Vixen. The supreme alpha, surviving two toad poisonings. The strongest of them all.
I wish I could have given you more love than I had, I had my own babies to take care of.
Be at peace, dearest Five, alpha of alphas.
I will love you always.

Remembering my dearest Vixen (Sept. 1, 1998-December 20, 2011), born this day 15 years ago, always loved, always in my heart

My dearest Vixen,
How I have missed you. This day was always so special when you were around. Now I'm just sad, because you're not here.
You are always with me. Every day I feel the ache of waking up without you. Every day I feel the want to just let go. Every day I want to hold you again, my Sensen, my Hunhun, my Bebiah.
My dearest baby, you made life worth living.
Even now, it often hits me, living life without you.
Ever since you left, ever since I let you go, life has been a struggle. I keep you in my heart always. I will always love you, my dearest Sensen, my Vickysensen.
I wish I could be with you again, if only in ashes.

Lovingly remembering Garpy (Dec. 29, 1982-Aug. 10, 1991), who left this world 22 years ago today

My baby,
You were the best when the worst came.
You gave light when there was darkness all around.
You made me believe there was a reason to live.
I don't know why you had to leave too soon. That night you died, I knew somehow you would be leaving me. And so I cried. When morning came and I got the word, I cried even more.
My beautiful, beautiful Garpy. What a painful day that was.
My baby, my Garpy. I will love you always.
"Farewell, dear darling of my soul. A parting blessing on my love. We shall meet again, where the weary are at rest." (Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities)

Just wanting to go

I am so tired, and I want to go.
Can't you just let me go?
Can't you help me find a way?

Lovingly remembering my Boobie (June 18, 1991-July 21, 2005) who departed from this world eight years ago today

My dearest Boobie,
You brought joy and meaning to my days.
I looked forward to staying home, coming home. You were here with me then.
I will always remember that look on your face when I arrived at the apartment that first day you spent at home. Right then and there, I fell in love. Right then and there, home was the place to be.
No day was ever so bad, no burden ever so heavy when you were around.
You made me smile. You made me laugh with your antics.
A big part of me died when I let you go.
I love you, my baby, my Boobiesy, my babysie.

God and bullshit

How can I believe in "God" when I still live?
How can anyone even convince me of "God" or, worse, the goodness of "God" when I still breathe?
Mere mortals show more mercy. 
Worship makes me vomit.
"God" isn't dead. "God" never was.

"Delirium"

Let me die in the arms of Pauline, lost

in this drunken delirium: here we die, illusioned and pleasured.

Sores and aches are tomorrow’s reality, if they come at all;

sunshine will blight its own existence.

Let me lie and die with this whore tonight,

smothered in darkness and perfume, serenaded by

the music outside and the smell of this cramped VIP room.

Let me die with the taste of her, here where love does not exist;

I feel just her hands and see her face,

her lips red amid the darkness, her eyes

masking what may be true inside—disgust, indifference, whatever—

what does it matter? Let me die in her arms,

by the breath of this whore I adore,

her fake name and her fake emotions—in this fake intimacy,

this expression of life: it is a death that is wonderful,

perfumed and eternal in the arms of Pauline.

"Love in shadows"

Fall in love in the shadows:

she has no face. Her breath

and her perfume have no smell.

She is as distant as a dream,

almost as forgettable.

Touch her in darkness:

her eyes hide, her gaze bears no sympathy,

no love or derision.

Her face, faceless, bears no expression.

Her illusion leaves you in a momentary trance:

the dust and the noise outside allow you to forget.

Fall in love in silence:

her voice, wordless, carries no resemblance.

Her scent, empty, stirs no memories.

All is fresh, all is new, no emotions clued in.

Fall in love in the shadows:

There is no need to feel.

The dance itself is ephemeral.

To a Maryknoller ("Seen by Sunset")

This poem was originally titled "To a Maryknoller." I saw this unbelievable beautiful young woman in a Maryknoll (now Miriam College) uniform. I was young then as well. The poem came easily. I wonder what's become of her.

"Seen by Sunset"

Near sunset, modest winds exhale
A sigh upon your vision’s pair
And by their breath, soft waves unveil
The seduction of your hair.

By fading daylight, winds implore
That virgin tan your face confers
To sunlight’s swiftly closing door
To evening’s shade it then defers.

Your voice amid the twilight hush
Resembles rhythmic music’s touch;
You speak a whisper’s sensual blush
Your tone’s caress, no other such.

It's on you now

I've mourned for too long, too hard, too often.
Hopefully you'll be the one(s) mourning this time.

How green was my valley

My dearest Vixen,
It always hits me, all these months after I let you go.
Those last days, that last night, that last morning.
How I said goodbye to you, how I cried.
It always hits, as it has again.
And again I cry.
My dearest baby,
How I miss you so, my Sensen, my baby.

Tears

The tears still come, after all this time.
My dearest Boobie.
You were the best of me.
Everything changed when you left.
Why couldn't I have been the one who died instead?

Lovingly remembering my Boobie (June 18, 1991-July 21, 2005), my baby, born this day 22 years ago

My dearest Boobie,
You brought so much joy to my life. You were so different. You had so many antics that made us laugh and smile...
....running to and fro while we tried Jane Fonda's aerobics...
...lying down at the gate just as we were hurrying to leave...
....twisting and turning as I held you in my lap...
You were so gentle, so beautiful.
I will always love you.
You will be always in my heart.
You gave me comfort and laughter, and a smile and more every day that you were with me.
The best of my years were with you.
My beautiful, beautiful Boobie.
Happy birthday, my baby.
I love you. I always will.

On a Father's Day just past

Yesterday was Father's Day.
I didn't feel much like a father.
My babies are gone. I was their Papa.
My lovely Vixen is gone. I was her Papa.
There was nothing to celebrate.
There was just a void in my heart, and a pain that never goes away.

There are days

There are days when it just hurts so much.
So I cry, close to 18 months since I let by beautiful baby go.
How poor my life is these days.
How rich it once was.
My lovely baby.
My Hunhun, my Vixen.
How I miss you, my baby.

Missing you

My dearest Vixen, my beautiful, beautiful baby.

I miss you so much. The pain never ends.

In loving memory of my baby Almond (December 16, 1994-June 2, 2007), who left this world six years ago today

My dearest Mondy,

Thank you so much for the years that you gave me, for the quiet joy you brought every day that you were with me.

Thank you so much for the consolation that you gave. Life was bearable because you were there. How life changed when you left, six years ago today.

I nearly didn't have you. Fate intervened, and you were mine, and I loved you every day that you were there, as I love you now, even though you are no longer with me.

My dearest Mondy, how I love you, even now that you are gone. My lovely Almond, my dearest, dearest Come Baby.

Six years to the day, the tears still come.

"One Day" (in memory of my baby Almond)

And then she died, just like that.

I saw nothing different in the day,

in the sunlight, in the dawn,

in the breath of the June breeze,

in the new scent of morning.

Perhaps I wasn't listening;

maybe it was there, somewhere

whispered in the wind,

if there was even one to hear.

Perhaps it was in the little motions,

the little things that tell you…

if you could only see and listen.

I neither saw nor heard.

I found a day, outside concern,

no different from yesterday;

there were no voices from heaven,

no inklings of divinity.

There was no wisdom in existence,

no great majesty proclaimed;

no purpose to the day but to live,

and for her but to die.

With a breath, a twist,

One last gasp, and she was gone.

And just like that, she died.

Even then there were no questions,

there was no reason;

there were no inner bickerings

or vain inspirations.

One afternoon,

she just died.

No purpose to the day but to live and to move on,

And for her, no more object to her life but to die.

A wish in early morning

I must die this year. Please.

So missing my babies.

My dearest babies, my Boobie, my Almond, my Vixen.
I miss all of you so terribly.
With you, my Vixen, the pain is the greatest: it was only 16 months ago that I lost you, and I still think of that loss, the last days, your getting sick, my decision to let you.
Our time was too short, 14 years, 12 years, 13 years--all too short.
Life remains dark without you. The pain never ends.
I am so, so poor without you.
I long to be with all three of you again.
I will love you always, my babies, and I will always feel your absence.
My dearest Boobie, Almond, Vixen.

"Waitress"

I see you, and suddenly death is life:

mourning itself slithers away.

I am different, I am reborn, I am alive.

I am oblivious to my grief,

indifferent as a man who feels not and sees not

but this suddenly painful desire.

I see nothing but your hair and your haughty eyes;

you see through me and I do not care.

I see you, and life has not been taken from me,

when in fact it has, and death is imaginable.

I see you, and in death I am alive,

in this wonderful illusion of life.

The inconsequential is not, where darkness suddenly

is light, and death is life.

I breathe and desire:

my sunset is the same from one day to the next.

The whiskey dulls my pain, but opens my eyes.

I see you, a shadow in a dream so suddenly real,

as your own haughty eyes see through me:

I am not even here.

I am an old man in death mode.

###

At 51

It's my birthday.
I know you're there. I know you're there.
You know my birthday wish.

Just asking for mercy

I've wanted to die since December 20, 2011.
No rationalizations.
Just a wish for mercy.
Call me a bad person, if you wish, but grant me that mercy.
After all this time, give me mercy.
After all this time.
Still, nothing.
Does mercy even exist?

Hate you, hate you

I hate you, "God," if you do indeed exist.
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

Before I sleep

My dearest Vixen,

I have been so depressed as of late, more than a year after I let you go, and I miss you terribly. Losing you has devastated me. I begin my days wishing never to have awakened. It is at its worst the first few hours after waking up--always to a world without you, a world where I felt I had to let you go. A world without my baby, my Vickisensen, my Hunhun, my Sensen, my love. I feel this heaviness bearing down on me. I cry. I cry. Without those two hours a day in bars or wherever I could let my mind go blank, drinking beer after beer, life would have been unbearable. Even then, life is unbearable, my baby, my love, my Sensen.

How can there be a "God" if that god would let me live this long without you? Where is mercy? I hate waking up to a world without you. I hate sleeping in a world that doesn't have you.

My dearest Vixen, I need to go. If there is mercy in this world, I need to die. I walk this world in pain, every day in pain. The days are dark and cruel. If we cannot be together, then let me at least be dust again. Joined in dust with my babies, with Boobie and Almond, with Garpy and Prudence, with Eenie and Minnie, with you, my baby, my dearest baby, my Vixen. How can a merciful "God" let me go on with this everyday torment? I let you go, but right or wrong, it was done out of love. I love you, my baby, my baby, and my life has been hell since I let you go. Should I have let you linger and suffer with the cancer in your lungs and ribs? Should I have let you waste away in pain, with no hope for recovery?

How I miss you, my Sensen, my Hunhun, my Bebiya. How I wish I could have our years back, all those years with Boobie and Almond, and with just the two of us, the two of us, my baby.

I love you, my baby. The pain of losing you never stops. May I sleep today and never awake. May death and mercy find me finally.

A desperate wish before I sleep.

Lovingly remembering Pru (April 2, 1999-January 13, 2006), on the anniversary of her birth

Happy birthday, my dearest Prudence, my Pru-pru, our wonderful baby Pru.

You were such a joy to us, our Pru-pru.

We are all less because we lost you, all too soon. All of you, just all too soon.

Happy birthday, my baby, my Prudence, my Pru-pru.

I will love you always.

Remembering Five (Feb. 8, 1998-Sept. 30, 2012), born 15 years ago today

My dearest Five.

You were the biggest and the brightest of the litter. Your were our little "Cerelac boy." Fifteen years ago today I saw you born, so bright, so like Boobie. You were the fifth to come out, so you became No. 5, later just Five. You were more dapple than your father, a lot larger, so beautiful. All your life you were strong. Even when all seemed lost, you fought and hung on. You were the strongest of them all.

My comfort is that you lived a full 14 years. I wish I could have had you, but two alpha males in one house wouldn't have worked. Besides, you were wanted elsewhere. I saw you into this world, a moment of joy; I saw you out, a moment of sorrow.

Be at peace, Five, be at peace. You had some bad human companions, but you remained beautiful and pure.

Happy birthday, dearest Five. Strong and bright, taking shit from no one.

Dark night

Very, very unhappy.

The good, the bad, and the ugly

I had a great moment today: I saw Kaisy. Even from a distance, I knew I was looking at someone very beautiful. She came closer, and I saw it was she. A short chat. Some time later, I left. That was the good.

This year is pure bullshit. That's the bad.

This year is just ugly. That's the ugly.

So tired, so tired, so tired. When will the pain end?

I miss Vixen. I miss my babies.

Done

I just don't have it anymore. I can't get my mind on things. Perhaps I'm headed for a fall. May it be a final one this time.

In loving memory of Prudence (April 2, 1999-January 13, 2006), today, the anniversary of her death

Dearest Prudence,

Your life was just too short. You were so different from the rest, so beautiful in your own special way. So slim and agile, so kind and gentle.

You were taken away too early.

We miss you, and we love you, our dearest Prudence, our lovely Prupru.

2013: The year ahead

I have no direction at all for 2013.

That's the awful truth. I see nothing for 2013, I have no plans, and I wish nothing save for the final mercy.