Losing Christmas: Life after Vixen

It's Christmas time. I feel nothing. Or maybe too much of a loss.

At times, or maybe all the time, I hear the carols. Always, at night, I see the lights. Christmas. I feel nothing. No bittersweet feelings, no sentimental memories of Christmases past, no returning sense of loves lost during the season. This is life after Vixen. Christmas is gone. I think only of the first anniversary of Vixen's death, drawing closer and closer. I grow more and more depressed.

The feel of Christmas isn't there. The wonderful cloudiness of past seasons is gone, or the taste of Christmas. Just like the rain, which lost its luster and its romance and its beauty and its memories when Vixen died, Christmas has been lost to me. I'll go through the rituals, through what is expected of me. The season means nothing. Very little has meant anything at all since Vixen died.

Even before I lost Vixen, I knew that should the day come when I would lose her, I would lose everything. I've proven myself right.

Everyday I live is a testament to the nonexistence of "God" as many believe this god to be. Fantasies, illusions, deceptions.

The wild is more compassionate. It can give you a horrible ending, but it will give you a fairly quick end in any case.

In the meantime, here I am, still lingering, approaching the first anniversary of my baby's death--yes, still here.

It's Christmas time, but Christmas, to me, is lost forever.

Still here...and wondering and waiting

It occurred to me today, in those thoughtful moments as I walked to where I usually find an hour or so of solitary drink. Peace and forgetfulness.

Maybe I've lingered this long because I had to see Five to his final journey. I saw Boobie and Vixen to that journey, honestly believing that I was sparing them pain, one of an unknown disease that was circulating in the neighborhood, the other of cancer that had spread to her lungs and her ribs, all with her liver and stomach problems aggravated by age. I was there, too, when Almond died, on her own, twisting in that final moment on a Saturday afternoon.

When Vixen died, I should have gone as well. But then, there was Five. I saw Five born into this world, so big and bright a puppy as I had ever seen. I was there as well to see him go, hard as it was. It would have been harder to see him fight and fight and fight a losing battle. And Five was so strong that he would have continued even if it hurt him, as it already was. I had to be there for him. I had hoped it wouldn't come to that. Doing it for Vixen was so painful. I had to do it with Five again.

And when you think about it, who else was there? A handyman who cared nothing about such a beautiful life? It had to be I. Five went out of this world with someone who loved him. The same with Boobie, with Almond, and with Vixen. And in all instances, I had to be the one with them in their final moments.

But all are gone now. Boobie, Almond, Vixen, Five. All those babies to whom I owed the duty to see them through to the final journey, all are gone.

It should be my turn now. My work is done. I'm tired.

Three babies in a dream

I dreamed I was with you again, my babies Boobie, Almond, Vixen.

I was feeding you chicken, each of you waiting your turn for a piece. You were alive again, and near, my lovely, lovely babies.

How I wish I could have stayed in that dream, or that I could just go to it every time I sleep...and one day just stay there, never again to awake.

I miss you so much, my babies. Life has been dark and meaningless without you. I wish for a final mercy that never comes.

I love you, my babies, my Boobie, my Almond, my Vixen. How I wish to be with you again.

On All Saints Day 2012

This All Saints Day and this All Souls Day, I remember the babies who have gone, babies who live in my heart, in memory, loved always:

Boobie, Almond, Vixen, Garpy, Prudence, Greta, Five, Gums, Eenie, Minnie, Minie, Moe, Fuzz, Thor, Shad, Sad Sack, Frankie, Jelly, Jam, Pretty, Star, Danka, Clio, Sarge, Poopsie 1 & 2, Hannah, Googie, Hali, Baka, Bunga, Little Dapple and the newborn puppies who never lived long.

Ganda, Drums, Zazu, Kitty, Galahad, Little Cute, the unnamed, the simply disappeared: Scarian, Nala, Simba, Bait, Chabilita, et al.

Loves lost is nothing compared with lives lost.