Five, February 8, 1998-September 30, 2012

 Five is gone.

The last connection I had to Boobie, Almond, and Vixen is gone. He was 14 years old and six months (almost seven months), the oldest baby we had ever had. He was also the strongest. He survived two toad poisonings, but in April he was diagnosed with a liver tumor. Still, with a daily dose of Essentiale he managed to get better, till a week or so ago when his strength began to give way. Even then, even as he was being euthenized, he still fought, even though he didn't even know where he was or who was around him.

It was a tearful decision. It was not mine to make, since Five was not mine, but I counseled it. He came from Boobie and Almond, but he went to my parents. Still, I had to say we had to let him go. He was sleeping on his own piss. Ticks and flies were ganging up on him because he wouldn't even stand up. Five was fighting a losing battle, as were Boobie and Vixen, two other Alphas, when their time was near. These three were true Alphas: Boobie, Vixen, and Five. They just wouldn't let go. They just fought and fought, even when it was hurting them.

Some decisions haunt you for a lifetime.

Five has a story, left to another day. For now, I just want to remember him as dearest Five (Doc), the largest, strongest, and brightest of the litter.

We let him go today, exactly one year to the day his sister, Batik (Dopey), died.

How we will miss you, Five, dearest, dearest Five.

Vixen, Sept. 1, 1998-Dec. 20, 2011: Lovingly remembered and missed so much on this, the anniversary of her birth

My dearest Vixen,

I lit a candle for you today, the first time that I've done so for you. This is the first September 1 that I have to go through without you. What joy there was when you were born, and later, when I decided to keep you. What joy and comfort you brought to my life, each day you were with me. What torment there was when I had to let you go. No day goes by that I do not wish to be with you, one with the earth, at peace finally, with the babies I had loved so much, now gone, all gone. You are gone.

I lit a candle for you, as I do for every anniversary of my babies gone. Today is especially painful. My dearest Vixen, I want so much to have you with me again, healthy, alive, here again.

I often relive the last day, the last night. You were the best of me, and now you are gone.

My dearest Vixen, how could I have lived all these months without you. If there is mercy, let it come. I ask for it, I need it. I have lived too long, and I am tired.

Let me be with my Vixen again.